Confidently Enough

 To sum up what God taught me over the Fuel Retreat, Be Glorified, it can be done in one word, Confidence.

A while ago I wrote a post entitled Enough. Through it, some heart surgery was performed as I openly admitted a lot of my personal fears and shortcomings as a child of God. I talked about how I look at my actions and my life and I see little confidence. I talked about how my future is daunting because of doubt and fear. I talked about how when I look at God, or to God, I feel completely unworthy to stand before him, even in repentance, even when covered by the blood of Christ.

In the past month, since that post, God has been talking to me a lot. The one statement that still runs through my mind is “With all you do, all the reading you do, and how much you feel you need to know more, I don’t think you’ve given yourself enough credit.”

That statement has been reinforced, time after time after time over the past few weeks. While listening to Matt Chandler two weeks ago God made something very clear to me. I tend to look at where I am and then look to the Bible, the law, and I see how sick I am, how far I am from perfection, and under my own strength I try and get better. I go if I do this, I’ll be better. I have been trying to fight temptation for over 12 years in this. I can do it, I know what I need to do. But in Honesty I don’t.

"The Law is this diagnostic tool that shows you your need for a Savior, and then once you have that Savior, once you have that healing, the diagnostic switches and becomes a path for the fullness of life. When the Law says this is how marriage should work, he's not trying to take from you. He's trying to give to you. That is how he created it to be. Walk in this. There is more joy walking in it this way than your way, so the gospel will never lead to licentiousness. If you can walk in licentiousness, then you don't believe the gospel." - Matt Chandler

It is when we assume we have our lives under control, though saved, that we fall into sinful living. We fall into it because we basically swat the guiding hand of God away and tell him we can do it.

In a sermon given by my pastor last night, he used a story that illustrates this so well. He talked about how he was watching his son struggling with untying a double-knot on his cleats as he was trying to get ready for soccer. My pastor said he looked at his son and thought,” I know exactly what he needs, and I know how to get him to where he wants to go, but he wouldn’t let me help. ‘I got this Da Da’”.

I have done this so much lately. You know God, I can do it. I got it. I know how to get there. I justneed to avoid it. I just need to tell someone. I just need to think about something else, and to no avail, I give in. Chained to the sin, that I have so desperately wanted to escape from. That I so desperately flee, but only find myself drifting back to. Getting back to my point, I don’t go to Christ in these times. I don’t find myself praying, or asking for help I just walk right back into it, “Don’t worry, I got this.”

This translates to so much more than just this sin as well. I find myself looking to my relationship with God and saying, I’m not where you want me yet. I’ll read more, I’ll spend more time with you, I’ll give you more, and then I don’t. In all of those wants, to love him more, I still do not ask him for help. “It’s all on me, I got this.”

To be honest, I don’t got this. I have never had this. I barely recognize what “this” is most of the time. I look inward, not upward. I look to my own strength, not to God’s. I look to my own power not to God’s. When I see my own strength and power I recognize that I am weak and often powerless. In the moment I say I got this, I’m strong enough. In retrospect I go, I’m not strong enough alone. I can’t fight a battle against the enemy with the Power, and strength of God.

I see my relationship with God so skewed at times. So selfish, so quiet because he stands there waiting to say something, waiting to help me out, and my back is turned and I’m doing it my way. Even when I pursue God, I find myself not finding him, because, in truth I seek knowledge of Him, not Him. I seek blessings from him, not him. I seek help from him, not HIM. I don’t just go, “God, I love you. I want to see your face, I want to know you more.” I don’t look to him, but past him.

In seeing this, it lends me to understand something else. I look inward to myself, knowing full well that alone, I don’t got this. Career wise, relationship wise, I don’t got it; but I do have Christ. “I have power in my corner.” When I look to God with a humble heart, seeking his help, seeking HIM out, and running from the sin that disrupts my relationship with Him, I have God right beside me, helping me through it. I know it because I’ve seen him move in my life.

When I was given the opportunity to give the message for the Youth Group that I serve, I found myself in a world of trouble. At the time I was trying to find a way to raise $1200 to go to Mexico, and I certainly didn’t have that money, and then my Jeep broken down. The engine had thrown a rod and I needed a brand new engine. My finances were especially tight, and I didn’t have a ride. With all of this going on, I was struggling with giving into temptation, I was emotionally drained from pursuing a relationship and seeing it thrawted, and work was extremely stressful. This was all going down right when I started trying to prepare for the message. My life was messy, I didn’t know what to do, so I looked up.

I just kept looking to God through all of it. Not after the fact or the ending would be very different but during it. Before any decision was made I prayed. Before I jumped away from the promises of God, and the faith I had in Him, I prayed.

I received discounts in order to afford a rental car, my friends and church family generously donated to send me to Mexico, I built an even more important friendship from the failed pursuit, I was given the Money to have the engine replaced, and I slept like a baby.

I was stressed over the message, but God moved. I felt God speaking on top of my words, and through my stories. I felt the presence of God so much that my stage fright was nothing. I spilled my heart and felt God’s encouragement. I loved it, and I want to do it again.

None of that would have been possible without God right there the whole time. However, just like most of us I forget to look to Him in everything. I forget to talk to Him about everything as I did that week. In forgetting, to talk to God, I forget about the Gospel, about God’s love, and the sacrifice that Christ made. I don’t completely forget, but I take my eyes off of Christ and place them on myself. In those moments, I forget about who I am in Him, and through him.

The retreat, Be glorified, Brought this to light by making it clear as God was trying to tell me all month, “hey buddy, glory be to God, to Me, not you.” Those gifts, abilities, and that personality you have, yeah I gave those to you. I gave those to you, to glorify Me. So that, you may reflect my son, and serve me and your brothers and sisters. I made you, to be you. I made you strong, I gave you that heart, and I know what you need. I know when you are weak, and I hate watching you struggle when I can help you. I love you, my son, if you would just see me. If you could just see me in you, you would know you are enough.”

“For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.” – 2 Timothy 1:7.

When I see Christ in me, I recognize who God is, and what he has done. He has performed miracles in my life. Miracles I wish to share the stories of, His stories. He took a broken boy, and has made him into a man who has helped so many people.

"May I never boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, through which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world." - Galatians 6:14

I don’t this in boasting, for I never which to boast in my own strength, but I have been blessed to know that God is using me to help my friends and family. I am humbled, greatly, when someone thanks me for just listening, or just being me, because I’m not doing anything special. I am greatly humbled when I come before God, as I did this weekend, and he tells me that He is Proud of me. All I desire to do is love him perfectly, and in that obey him, please him, worship him, seek him. I fail, I mess up, I doubt the changes he has made in me, but I know at the end of the day I am loved by a God who deserves so much more than I give him, and yet he will never stop loving me.

Carrying that thought around of how loved I am, and desire to Love him more I see where he wants me to be. More than that I have begun to understand that I want to do what he has made me to do, to obey him and to show love. Not just that, but in wanting to be a pastor, he is showing me that because I am in Him, and He is in me, I will be a pastor one day. He is maturing me, and granting me wisdom and strength, but in those moments where I am exhausted, and run down, he’s right there encouraging me, and lending his strength and power. The wisdom I have is from HIM, the abilities I have are from HIM, the personality, as weird as it may be, I have is from HIM, the gifts that I have been empowered with are from HIM.

I can walk in confidence, when I walk in Christ. For when I keep my eyes on Jesus, and my mind on the Gospel, I find myself following God. I can have confidence in myself, especially when I serve God, because HE designed me, HE Transforms me, He Loves me, and He wants to be glorified through me. When I speak of God, when I serve God, I hope to do it with passion, and a love that can only reflect God. I hope to point to God in all I do, and all I say. I hope to rely on Him when I think I can do it alone, and I hope to rest in the confidence that because of Him, I am enough. I may not be as eloquent as I would like to be, but I know that God will move through these words, and speak to you. I can only do the work God has set before me, the tool, the words, and I can speak and serve with the confidence that he will use me because he is the carpenter who  uses the tool, the voice that permeates through the words.

I hope I did not come across as boastful or prideful, but wish you to know that God has changed me, made me, and will use me, If I let him, but that takes being willing, and having the confidence that I can be used and more than that trust God that he will use me. I stillhave much to learn, and a lot of molding to undergo. Knowing that,  it may take a while before I start seminary or some other training, and it may be a while until I meet and start courting the woman I will marry, but I know it these things will happen. I know because I trust God, and because he has shown me that when the time comes I will be enough to do these things; my confidence is from Him and in Him.

Love You All,

Nate

Honor God, Honor Others, and watch what happens to you.

Enough

 I haven’t really been able to write much on here lately. Not because God isn’t moving in my life or because I don’t have anything to share, far from it. I just don’t know if what I am writing is right? I don’t have confidence that what I’m writing makes sense, or that it even has an impact. I don’t know if what I’m writing will be criticized or picked apart, argument by argument. I don’t know if I should even be the one to share my stories, and yet here I am, writing.

I am not a strong writer. I haven’t ever really been. I love to write but for the sake of the story or context have given little care to learning “proper” writing styles, grammar, or sentence structure.

I struggle with putting my thoughts into written words. For me, I feel at ease in just speaking, letting the words flow in context of a conversation over writing. When I write I critique it, I doubt its validity and I try to make it perfect. I go back and make sure the yours and you’res are the right ones, in the right context. I look over my arguments and the use of scripture and try to make sure that I’m not using scripture out of context, and that the arguments or the points I’m tryiong to make line up with scripture. Now, there is nothing wrong with that, its actually what I’m supposed to do, but often times I just throw what I’ve written away, or simply close the doc without saving, because it just isn’t up to snuff or I just don’t feel confident in what I have written.

Even in my speaking I find myself using phrases such as, “I’m not perfect and never will be on this side of heaven”, “feel free to correct me if I’m wrong”, “now this is just what I think”, “look into it yourself because I’m not positive”. Again these phrases are not incorrect, they re simple statements of fact, but when I use such statements in the context of an argument I show that I doubt that I know what I’m talking about.

What I’m getting at is, that simply, I doubt that I have anything of great importance, value, or truth to share. I doubt in what God is teaching me, simply because I feel as though I do not know enough and feel as though because of this, it may not be correct. I feel as though my intentions may not be understood, or my heart left completely out in the open, but I ultimately feel as though I’m not good enough to do this, to write, to speak, to lead.

As I wrote that last line tears started welling up. As the tears fall, the truth cuts into my heart revealing the fear. The same fear I have struggled with since I can remember, "I simply am not enough".

I let doubt about who I am, swirl around my head at all times. I’m never enough in my own mind. This fear has driven me to run from God, to pursue dangerous and hurtful relationships, and to wallow in self pity, how good life truly is. I look at my life, even with Christ and say, I’m just not enough.

For example, here are the questions I ponder everyday, and some of the enough arguments I use:

Why am I single?

I am not Strong enough to lead, I don’t make enough to provide, I’m not good enough for a god-fearing woman, I’m not good-looking enough, I’m not quiet enough, I’m not suave enough, I’m not courageous enough, I’m not… just… not enough.

Why am I not in my dream job?

                I’m not smart enough, I don’t have a strong enough relationship with God, I’m not as self-displined enough, I’m not educated enough, I’m not “good” enough, I’m not “pure” enough, I’m not close enough to God, I’m not… I’m just… not where I need to be.

Why is my Faith not stronger?

                I’m not spending enough time with God, I’m not listening to only Christian music, I’m not reading my bible enough, I’m not spending enough time with God, I’m not serving Him and others enough, I’m not fleeing from my sinful nature as I should, I’m not reading enough about him, I’m not praying enough, I’m not discipling others enough, I’m not going on mission trips enough, I’m just… not… there yet.

The word “enough” is a plague. It eats at me, until I break down under depression, anger and fear. I look at my life, where I am, and see that there are a few things missing. Instead of being content with where I am, with the blessings I have, I look to the days ahead, to the next steps and I feel as though because I don’t have that relationship, that job or that faith that I’m just not enough. The worst part is that I apply all of this to my relationship with God. I apply this “enough” to where I think I should be and I just don’t meet it. In my mind I completely believe that the reason I’m not there is because I’m just not enough.

But who am I to set the standard for “enough”? Who am I to evaluate my progress? Who am I to determine my qualifications? Who am I to determine my worth? Who am I to set the standard to which I live? Who am I?

I am just a man. A man racked with fear, who feels hurt, who hates be alone, but would choose being alone over a crowd. I am a man who is imperfect, sinful, broken, flawed, and mortal. I am a man, who has no authority in the universe to set the standard for enough.

This past weekend a friend made a comment to me that has completely brought my mind to this idea of enough. She stated, “With all you do, all the reading you do, and how much you feel you need to no more, I don’t think you’ve given yourself “enough” credit.”

BOOM. MIND = BLOWN (into about a million little pieces)

I get so caught up in where I am and where I want to be, and how I’m going to get there, I forget about where I have been. I don’t look back because the world says it slows you down, it keeps you from moving forward. I look ahead running forward to try and reach enough to get what I want, to fill the missing pieces. The problem with all of this is, where is God in any of it. Where I am right now is because of God, at work in my life.

My argument, my standards, my value from the beginning is flawed because it isn’t about me. This life isn’t about me. This life is about God, and the minute I took God’s opinion of me out of it, the minute I took God’s path for me out of it, the minute I took God’s standards out of it, I removed God. I removed the one thing in this life that has kept me breathing everyday for the sake of determining if I am enough. I denied God the chance to speak to me, because I look in, instead of up when I want to determine, significance, and worth. I deny myself the opportunity to just be still and listen, because if I’m not moving forward I’ll never get there. I never allow God to tell me what is  “enough’. I deny myself the chance to see how God sees me, to see myself through my Father’s eyes. I deny myself the opportunity to really see who I am right now, and give myself a little credit. I deny myself the opportunity to see what God has done, and is doing. I deny God.

As I shift my gaze to Heaven, and reorient my heart to God’s, the Truth “cuts me deep”. I feel an unrelenting downpour of God’s love and grace, and I feel the Spirit move around me. I know that despite how I deny God I am loved, so incredibly, that I can not and never will understand just how much God, the Father loves me. As I sit here writing this, the one phrase from the spirit I feel roaring from the depths of my heart is “you are enough”.

“My son, I love you. I know all there is to know about you. I know how you felt when you first called me Lord, and I know how you felt when I first showered you in my love. I know your dreams, and I know how badly you want them to come to fruition. I know your heart, and what its been through, and how you allow that to burden you. I know that you worry you are not enough, and that you are a burden to those around you. I know that you are afraid you’ll never live up who I want you to be. I know that you are hurting, that you are downtrodden, and that you feel isolated and alone. I know all there is to know about you, who you were, are, and who you will be. So please, let me tell you who you are.”

Every day, I try and fall more and more in love with a God, who loves me beyond my reasoning. I love Him not just because of what he has done for me but who He is. Not because he deserves my love, but because I wish Him to have it. I Love God not because in doing so he will bless my life, I love God because it is all I want to do. 

I show my love by submitting to Him, and finally going to the cross and laying down my standards. I show my love to him by repenting for denying Him. I show my love by listening to Him. I show my love through this.

“Jesus replied: “’Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’^[a]

³⁸ This is the first and greatest commandment. ³⁹ And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’^{[b] 40} All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.’”

I don’t have it all together, and I’m not who I will become, but Loving God with all I am and all I have is the greatest and most important thing I can do in this life. It’s all I want. I know that with this being the goal of everyday, God will do all he wants and needs to do in and through me. It isn’t about what God will do because of loving him, I know that loving God requires more than words, and repentance and I know that through loving God, I will only learn to love more. Loving God with everything, that is enough.

I may not be an award winning writer, a profound theologian, a husband, a pastor, or a major league baseball player, but my prayer is that God is the sound to these words and that He would speak to you, about where you are, and who you are as He has done for me. Take a moment, and let God show you what he sees. Give Him a chance to tell you who you are and learn to love God not because of what He can and will do in your life, but because of who He is.

I think that’s all, so, Thank You for reading.

God Bless,

Nate

Love God. Love Others. Love Self.

There are Two of Me?

When I was in Mexico something bothered me, a member of the leadership team had become distant and not so subtly had started ignoring me. It felt that whenever I would approach there was a mood change and a shift in their demeanor. I had no idea what I had done, but this person treated me as if I were criminal.

To this point I was unsure of why I would ever deserve the cold shoulder and be treated more as a student rather than a leader, their age. It was eating away at me and frankly was starting to really bring me into an anger I needed to rid myself of. I hated being angry for no reason and more I hated being treated as such without understanding why, so I approached this leader and apologized.

I said I didn’t know what I had done, but in some way I had offended them. I asked for forgiveness, because I didn’t appreciate the way I was being treated. I didn’t truly appreciate what felt like condemnation. The leader said a few things to me. “Nate I just don’t quite get you.”

“At one moment you have this ‘holy’ demeanor and the next you are so mean, and I just don’t know how to feel about you.” And the leader walked away. There was more said but the context is, that for any of you that know me, I am sarcastic, and over the top sometimes. I also tend to get very intense, and will set standards for the people around me that they almost never meet, which leads me to frustration, short words, and an even stiffer more serious demeanor.

Not trying to justify my behavior, sound defensive, or present myself higher than perceived I let the leader walk away, and I stood there contemplating their words. “Am I faking God in my life?” Do I pretend to have it all together and yet am so disrespectful at the same time?

I don’t think I ever pretend about God, and what he is doing in my life; frankly, it is hard for me to talk about sometimes. I’m in constant fear of appearing arrogant, or like a know-it-all when I talk about the victories I’ve had in Christ. I hate boasting in victory, and in actuality when others do it, it rubs me the wrong way. With God however, I guess at times without that being my intention or heart it can be perceived as such. I take few things in life as seriously as I take my relationship with Christ. I Love God. I try to shine for God, I try.

But as much as I shine, there is this thing called sin. When I let sin creep in, sarcastic comments roll from the tongue, and I fail to keep my anger in check. The shift from Christ-like to Mean is so quick that to an outsider I guess it would appear as though I’m just pretending. I hate that I am like this. I hate that sin in my life, that my sin, whether in thought, word, or deed can pull me out of the presence of God but more so that others see that. I say that not because I want to appear holy all the time, but how does that show Christ?

I believe that for all Christians we all appear Christ-like at times, and in other moments far from it.

I know that from this week, I am two very different people at times. There are moments, which seem brief these days, where I feel free from sin and the chains of this world. I feel free in Christ and I have this confidence I don’t usually feel. I’m full of energy, hope, joy, and peace. Then there are those moments, which seem to be so many, where the opposite is true. I feel bound to sin, and broken at the hand of the world. I’m devastated, depressed, angry, anxious, and I feel condemned, mainly from myself.

I guess the lesson for me here is that even in my growth, even in the good times, even in the seasons of good things, because of my flesh I’m still at risk of sin, but I do not need to live in such.

However, “there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.” (Romans 8:1-4)

When the rain comes and I feel like everything around me is wet, sloppy and gross. However, Christ died for my freedom, and when I bring my eyes to Christ I see that the waters have cleansed, nourished, and refreshed. I think that it’s in the storms that we truly are washed from our sins. At least for me I see this being true, because it is in the rain storm, the pouring, that I look up to heaven and repent. It is in the storms where I focus more on God, and it is in those moments where I’m washed clean.

I don’t ever wish to have a holier than thou personality or attitude. I don’t want to assume the worst of people, and I don’t want to remain stuck in a phase where this is all I do. I want to live in the freedom Christ died for, and I want to walk in step with the Spirit.

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery". – Galatians 5:1

"So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law." – Galatians 5:16-18

I’m not perfect. I never will be on this side of heaven. I do know that if I continue to pursue God all I need will be given unto me. I know that I will find freedom in relationship with Christ, and I know that I will continue to grow. 

As I grow my anger will be tempered, my sarcasm diminished, my thoughts cleaned and purified. I know that as I pursue Christ I will be made new, every day. If anything I have Jesus, and am so thankful for Him. For in Him and through Relationship with Him I find the freedom that I feel and possess right now. 

The hardest thing this week has been accepting God's love and grace. I know that I can never work for it, nor earn it, but accepting it has been hard. Today, I open my arms to the Heavenly Father, and say "I love you God. I love you Father! Thank You for Your love. Thank You for Your grace. Thank You!"

I choose to live in freedom today! 

my life, His Story

It's in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for. Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone. - Ephesians 1:11-12 MSG

I'm just the boy inside the man, not exactly who you think I am. Right?

There has been this burden on my heart; to grow up. That the behaviors that I exhibit, and the associate antics need to just, stop. I’m wild, crazy, energetic, irritating, loud, obnoxious, and at the same time entirely self-conscious. I fear that when I’m like this no one really wants to be around me. I guess in a way I “deserve” the jokes from friends. “Man, Sometimes I wish I didn’t know You,” “I feel bad for your future wife,” and “you wonder why you’re single.” Let me be clear even to you my friends this stuff, though in good fun, hurts. It hurts me so deeply that I’ve been struggling through a really depressive identity crisis. Now, I egg on the jokes, and I definitely play along, but at times I just feel crushed, like I can’t be me.

I hear it from people all the time, “You know if you want that to happen you really need to grow up.” You’re arrogant, and childish, and obnoxious and rude and et al. My heart breaks at these comments, because they are lies, I’m only being me. I think you only see part of the story, part of the man that I truly am. I’m tired of people telling me who I am, because I’m not exactly who you think I am.

I jump, run, skip, dance, and sing in public. I embarrass myself and my friends. I bring myself to tears from laughter and have at times brought my friends to the floor in moments of hilarity. I go around, and in a hyper daze have made people who are frowning up a storm, smile and let the sun break in. I thrive in fun, in laughter, in awkward moments, and tend to leave you with those awkward laughs. I let my energy energize those around me. I try to bring out the fun. However, there is more. Underneath the goofy exterior, covered in Green Lantern T-shirts and belt buckles, is a Man seeking God. You want to see me calm, you want to see me grow up then let’s talk about what matters, let’s talk about Jesus.

I am serious about my relationship with God, and when you get me talking about God, or Jesus, or the Holy Spirit; you’ll see someone else; a much calmer serious me. I still joke, and have fun but I’m very much an adult. The things I have gone through, and the experiences I have had, require nothing short of maturity, and Christ, to heal from. Growing up sick and feeling isolated from the world, waking up the morning after trying to kill myself, walking in who I am after “coming to” in a hospital because of alcohol poisoning, watching a relationship I put so much time and effort into keeping afloat for two and half years crumble away because she fell in love with someone else. I’m being transformed, and healed daily because of my relationship with God, and that takes nothing short of submission and surrender.

I am still trying to discover the full extent of who I am, and to be honest it will take a lifetime but I know it is only through Jesus Christ I can truly derive my identity.

“It's in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for. Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone,” Ephesians 1:11-12 (MSG).

Through Learning about God in the bible, or through Frequency, Strength Finders, or The Me I Want to Be, I am finding out more about myself. I’m starting to see beyond the green shirts and bushy eyebrows. I’m starting to like what I see in the mirror, not because of how I look, but because I can see the change. I am far from who I was a year ago, and even farther from who I was when I started my relationship with God six years ago. Who I was is not, nor will it ever be, who I am, because of Jesus. My sins have been forgiven. My past has been redeemed. My life has been given a purpose. I am a son of God, and that is the only identity I need to carry on in this life.

So call me Nate, Nathan, Skinner, Skin-Bone, Brother, Son, Friend, but don’t assume you know me. Whether I am just a boy inside a man, or something so much more, he made me different from all of you for a reason, just as he made you different from everyone for a reason. I want you to look at me and truly see me, not who you think me to be, but the man that God is making me. I’m not perfect, nor will I ever be on this side of Heaven, but I want to be me. Not your version, not my version, but God’s version of me.

Give me a chance to introduce you to me. 

my life, His Story

I'm not Mad

If anything, I just need prayer. A lot has been going on and I needed to let off some steam. below is what I needed to get off my chest. To come to terms with and to find peace in. It may be hard to follow as it is stream of consciousness but this is the real me. 

Dear God,

I’m hurting a lot right now. I know you have so much for me, even though I deserve none of it, and yet I find myself growing bitter and angry at you. I feel that I am seeking you with my full heart only to feel disappointment when things go against what I thought was your plan. I understand that this falls on me, for not seeking your wisdom nor for allowing you to guide me but I’m still mad, because now as I sit here waiting for you to guide me into my dream, I see it being taken a hold of by someone else. I see you handing over the keys of what I want to someone else. You remind me that you love me, and that it’s not the best thing for me, and yet I’m mad.

I am so bitter, I’m taking it out on my sisters in Christ and throwing my emotions around. I’m up and down, and ultimately I’m lost. I’m losing sight of you. This disease, this bitterness, has grown. It is taking hold of my heart and I just want it gone. I want what you have for me. I don’t like the waiting but I understand there is a reason, and yet, I’m mad. My friends quote scripture, and you pour out wisdom but all I want to do is scream. Is tell you that I’m sick of this. I’m sick of this waiting. I’m sick of having my heart thrown around. I’m sick of feeling like I’m listening to a lie. I’m tired of thinking that you are just my imagination at work. I’m sick of being sick. I know all the right words right now and yet they mean nothing.

How can I find joy in this season? How am I to find peace when my heart roars for something more?How can I walk by faith, when you have given me nothing? How can I have thought any of this? How do I fight this pain, that I have placed upon myself?

God I am mad. I’m mad at you. I know I shouldn’t be. I don’t want to be. I just hurt. I know that I have been attacked. That as I have sought you out the enemy has sought me out. I see how he is trying to pull me away from my perfect, heavenly father. I see that I have been blaming you. I don’t want that anymore. I want you.

I want to have hope and peace, I want my dreams fulfilled. I want love and guidance. All I need is you. I know there is a reason for this waiting. There is a reason for all the pain I have suffered through. I know you wish to show the world how you have healed me. That the scars that I carry, are testimonies of the healing you have done in my life; that the wounds have been healed. God I know pieces of what you have for me, but more than that I know what you have for me is good. I just have to trust you.

I don’t want to be mad. I don’t want to be angry. I want to come to you, and speak with a whole heart to you. I want to let you know How much I love you for how far I have come, and where you are taking me. I want to let you know that I am sorry. Please forgive me for believing that you could be anything less that who you are. God I love you. I need your strength to get through this and more than that God I need you. You are the one and only thing that matters. You are here with me in this moment, as much as I want to know everything else you have for me, and that’s all I need to know.

I’m not mad anymore. I’m at peace and have joy. I guess I needed to do was write you this incoherent letter. So that you could remind me of whom you are and who I am.

Father God, please forgive me. I pray that you are the only voice inside of my head. That in the name of your son Jesus Christ, the lies, doubts, and fears, would be expelled from my mind under the power of the Holy Spirit. Spirit I thank you for being the counselor in this moment; delivering love and peace directly into my heart, and for speaking to God on my behalf. Jesus I apologize for not recognizing that your sacrifice, that your death and resurrection is all I need to to remember how much you love me. God I’m sorry for thinking that you are anything less that a perfect sovereign God. God I love you. I pray all these things in the name of your son Jesus Christ, Amen.

Love,

Nate

“We walk by faith, not by sight” –  2 Corinthians 5:7

“Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial for those who withstand the test will receive the crown of life that god has promised to those that love him.” – James 1:12

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"And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." – Ephesians 4:30-32

“There's a moment in the morning 
When I feel the most alone 
But then I hear your voice whispering my name 
It's like a wave of understanding 
And I never could have planned it 
Where the questions and doubts all fade away”

     - Thousand Foot Krutch, "All I Need to Know"

"Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, 'children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.' Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life. And then I will be able to boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor in vain." - Philippians 2:14-16

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” – Romans 8:28

“But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me.” – Micah 7:7

“I feel a million miles away, still you connect me in your way
And you created me, something I would’ve never seen
When I can only see the floor, you made my window a door
So when they say they don’t believe, I hope that they see you and me
After all the lights go down, I’m just the words you are the sound
A strange type of chemistry, how you’ve become a part of me
And when I sit alone at night, your thoughts burn through me like a fire
You’re the only one who knows, who I really am
    - Thousand Foot Krutch, "Be Somebody"

1. The Severity of it All

“There is no fear in Love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” – 1 John 4:18 NIV

I love watching kids run up and down the playground. There is so much joy on their face when they are battling the evil pirates from the moon, who are there to steal their superpowers. There is so much innocence and adventure. There is fun, running, playing and battling outside in the open air where the only thing stopping them was a fence. Growing up the only thing stopping me was the door. It would open for everyone else but there was an invisible barrier keeping me inside.

Shortly after I turned 1, two major things in my little innocent life occur. There first was my Mom started a Day Care out of our home. The Day Care I would grow up in, essentially watching as I described above. The reasoning comes with the second major event. Before I started crawling I began to cough a lot. All the time, I’d be coughing my little lungs out which led to crying. The crying led to more coughing the cycle continued. It turned out there was something severely wrong with me. I couldn’t breathe. The diagnosis that hit my mother’s ears caused a grip to cover me; I was asthmatic.

The doctors said it was severe and that life for me would be hard. As I got older I didn’t get much bigger. I was a chubby 2 year-old but the baby fat faded and the bones could be seen. Each rib, each vein, and each muscle twitch was easily seen on my small frame. I was diagnosed with sinusitis, sinus issues, and stomach reflux. By the time I was four I was taking ten to fifteen medications a day, I had already had several surgeries, and I was constantly sick.

The doctors told my parents I would never be like the other kids. They said that I couldn’t be normal, that I couldn’t be healed, that I would never be as tall I should be and that I would never be much of anything really. This fear gripped at my parents and their fear became a cage, a cage from the outdoors, a cage from running and jumping in the McDonald’s playhouse, and a cage from people. I thought, and was told, that I was different and that I would never be like the rest of the kids. It made me angry.

When I would get sick and the cage got smaller keeping me close to mom, I would fight. Tantrums, the beet red face, and of course breathing problems would follow. 

Saving my tantrums for another time it’s important to note one thing, growing up sick caused one thing. It meant that I was always in need of doctors’ visits, medications, hospitalizations and the daily needs of a child. It wasn’t cheap raising me. It was hard for my parents to afford all these things and clothe me properly, and make sure I got enough food. The financial stress of raising a sick child hit my parents hard. Arguments would ensue, vast amounts of yelling and screaming about “maybe if we weren’t always at the doctor’s office,” “maybe if he can just be healthy.” Essentially when I overheard them fighting it caused one thing in my heart, fear. I was afraid I was a burden to them.

This is the root of all of my fears and sins is in the phrase, “I just a burden.” This is why I always required verification, words of affection, obvious acclamation. Its why I hate taking gifts from people. Its why i am so afraid of being myself, and why I am constantly apologizing for innocent actions. I am still dealing with this fear. It is a daily prayer to remove the fear of being a burden. It is a daily want to be able to talk with people without any attached condemnation when they respond negatively or respond slowly, or simply don’t reciprocate messages.

Really when I was diagnosed with severe asthma, who knew it would have an even greater symptom; the fear of being a severe burden. This fear has been a barrier in my personal life and in my walk with God. What better way to prevent someone from following the Heavenly Father than to exploit the fear that you are a burden to God. Here’s the truth though. I am not a burden; not to God, not to my family, and not to my friends.

I went on a retreat for 20-somethings called Collide, 4 weeks ago. On this retreat the only answer I was seeking was, “Who am I God? Why do I feel like a burden when I shouldn’t? Why do I constantly feel I’m not enough for anyone? This isn’t of you God. So tell me, who am I?” God answered me by asking me what my name was.

I told Him “My name is Nathan.”

He then asked, “And what does that mean son.”

“Father my name means ‘gift’.”

At that moment a hand hit my back. It was the associate youth pastor and one of the leaders of the 20-somethings group. Through him God told me who I was; God told me he was proud of me, and that he found so much joy in seeing me chase after him. He said I was a gift and that he saw me “perfect”. God reaffirmed the passion of youth ministry.

I don’t think I had ever had tears of joy until that moment, when I discovered God’s plan from the beginning. As I stated in Birth, my name is Nathan for a reason. God named me. With that name came an obvious strength, the service to others, the need to lead, the need to communicate, the need to help. However, the enemy exploited this from the beginning by making me feel like the opposite, a burden.

That sick baby, who was so innocent when he got sick and began suffering, has become the man sitting here typing this blog. The man who now understands that God’s timing is perfect and that his will is perfect. God collided with me on that retreat and showed me something beautiful, me. He showed me who I was and gave me back my confidence, stripping away the roots of this fear. That night was October 8^th 2011.

I still struggle with this insecurity, but I give it to God every day. It still affects my relationships with those I care about but I pray. It is currently having a huge impact on my ability to meet new people, especially women but I’m working with God through it all. I will always need validation from God, and my parents and the woman that becomes my wife. “Words of affirmation” is my main love language, and just a short sentence can motivate me for anything.

I grew out of the severity of my illness, and I will grow out of this fear. It is no longer severe, nor mild; it is an ache that will fade as I let the Holy Spirit continue to heal my heart. Every time I let go of this fear, God has made me new. He has made me pure, and I know that for Him, my family and my future wife he has made me “Nathan”, a “gift”.

My Life, His Story.

Paper 2: Tracing My Heroic Heart

It’s an early Saturday morning and I’m lying, belly down, on the carpet in front of the T.V. with a bowl of Frosted Flakes and milk in front of me. I’m waiting. As I take a bite of my yummy cereal, the title screen to the cartoon starts. Two bad guys break into a building and are able to blow it up. Then a long, mysterious, black car flies down the road; the hero is on his way. As the bad guys attempt to escape, the hero appears, and his name is Batman.

I jump up from my cereal bowl and pose like my favorite superhero on the screen. Wearing my gray and black pajamas with the batman symbol on the chest and the black cape held on to my shirt by Velcro, I am the Batman. The imaginary bad guys pull out guns to shoot me, but I throw my imaginary batarang and knock the guns out of their hands. They step back in pain, so I dive forward and tackle one of the bad guys into the couch. The second bad guy comes at me punching wildly, trying to catch me off guard. I duck a punch, and as I step forward to knock out the villain, I stomp down on the plastic cereal bowl, launching milk and frosted flakes all over the couch, floor and wall.

“Nathan! What were you doing!” screams my enraged older sister who allowed me to eat cereal in front of the T.V., even though I’m not supposed to. “I’m sorry, Sissy,” I start to explain, “I was being a hero, beating up the bad guys because I’m the Batman.” My older sister’s glare slowly turn into a smile followed by a giggle, “Okay, Batman, go get a towel and help me clean this up before Mom finds out.” I smile, but then remembering who I am, I frown and respond with a husky “okay.” As I march into the kitchen to find a towel, I know I would always love superheroes. 

When I was 1, I was diagnosed with Severe Asthma, Stomach Reflux Disease and Sinusitis. The doctors and my parents were afraid that I might not be able to be a normal kid, and honestly, their fear became a cage. My outdoor, social, and active play was limited to prevent me from getting sick. So, I spent a lot of time indoors coloring, playing games, or watching TV. Besides Barney and Sesame Street, I watched superhero shows like Batman. The shows had characters that were strong, fearless, proud, heroic and most importantly not sick. It meant a lot to me to pretend to be the good guy, the hero, because often it didn’t feel like I could ever be a real hero. But characters like Batman gave me hope.

The Batman was just the seed, for there were many more heroes that came alive during my childhood, spent in the daycare my mom ran out of our home. Even with the social interactions with the other kids, most of the games I wanted to play placed me as a character from another one of my favorite shows, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Just like Batman, my imagination would run wild as I would become another hero. I was Raphael. I ran around the house in my Ninja Turtle costume, trying to defeat the evil girl squad who was going to kidnap me and make me be the dad in another boring game of house, where all I would get to do is drink coffee and eat donuts. But I wasn’t going to let the evil girl squad ever capture me. No, I, Raphael would defeat them. Often, however, I, Raphael, was defeated first by the evil villain Shredder, Mom. It was hard being a sick kid and a hero, but I always made it work.

It got easier to be a kid when my parents were able to send me to a private school. The school was on the National Jewish campus, and was made especially for kids with medical conditions; Asthma, Diabetes, hearing impaired and Sickle Cell Anemia. Here, as part of the downtrodden group, separated from the other kids for our own health, we were able to act like normal kids. But more than that, we could be heroes. Every Halloween we were told to wear our costumes to school for a full day of trick-or-treating in the hospital, and for three of those years I was a Power Ranger. The Power Rangers were much cooler than those turtles in a half shell, and it proved true when I showed up to school as the Red Ranger and a few more kids in the class were also ready to battle the evil forces of Rita Repulsa, Lord Zedd and Goldar. The energy and costumes pushed us to playing out many of the memorable battles once we made it to the playground. Being a Power Ranger was fantasy, but it allowed me to cope with my illness, because there was no escaping that.

Power Rangers had been a fantasy to escape to during the day, but there were other times I needed other heroes. On nights when I was sick and I was awake taking my nebulizer treatments, my mom and I would watch one of three shows that were usually on the Disney channel: Darkwing Duck, Talespin or Gargoyles. I was never really a fan of Gargoyles, it was always a little too scary for me, but Darkwing Duck and Baloo from Talespin with their comedic heroics would sweep me out of those dreadful treatments into exciting adventures of thwarting the villains and eating awesome treats.

Television wasn’t my only source of heroes during my rough childhood. There were movie heroes that I wanted to be, and often during play time in day care, I would become them. If I felt extremely sick and unable to do anything, I became Hercules. Being Hercules would help me muster up what little strength I had to walk up to dump trucks and toss them around like they were mere plastic. Or if I felt discouraged I would emulate my favorite street rat. As Aladdin, I would dash through the yard and playground avoiding the reckless and stupid guards, with the hopes of one day becoming a prince, or even finding the girl of my dreams, my Jasmine, and for a moment my day was amazing.

Like most children, however, I began to grow out of these childhood fantasies when I started middle school, only holding on to the few that would keep the bullies away. Even though I had switched back to public school in the 4^th grade and knew many of the kids in my sixth grade classes from elementary school, it was hard to interact with others. I was shorter than almost everyone else, I wore baggy clothes too big to fit the little kid drowning inside of them, and I had glasses and a rolley backpack. If I had been a bully, I’m sure I would have picked on me, too. My humorous appearance and the fact that I missed 30 days of school each year made it hard to make friends. I was simply an outcast, and my escape became the heroes, if you could call them that, of the WWF. The mental motivation of the Rock, telling me to stand up to the bullies, and Stone Cold Steve Austin telling me to not to take shit from anybody pushed me through a few dark years in middle school. They weren’t the typical heroes, but much like their animated predecessors, they served the purpose of helping me. The Rock and Stone Cold Steve Austin became the tough voices in my head that pushed me to become someone else. I didn’t want to be sick anymore, so I quit taking my medicine. I didn’t want to be made fun of anymore, so I pressured my parents into buying me contacts, and new clothes that fit. When I started high school, I was someone new, someone who didn’t take crap from anyone, someone who didn’t let people push him around, someone who was mentally tough. 

As I entered high school, few heroes stuck with me. However, I had found another world to escape to: the world of wizardry. The world of Harry Potter was a place I would escape to often in my mind to avoid the madness that was occurring in my family members around me. I started reading Harry Potter before I left middle school, but in high school, it became an escape from a very emotional reality. With my sister and my mom pregnant at the same time, hiding in the Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix was far more exciting. Harry and I would walk side by side through Hogwarts, run from Dementors and evil teachers and escape in to the room of requirement to train our friends in defensive magic. Even though I still regard Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix as the most emotional and angsty book of the series, dealing with that emotional roller coaster was better than dealing with the double whammy of maternal hormones, because at least I could shut the book.

Standing alongside Harry Potter were Young Merlin, Maximum Ride, Robert Langdon, and Artemis Fowl as I was sucked into fiction. I found these protagonists mildly comforting, and again, following their adventures and pretending that I was either them or present with them allowed my escape. When I dove head first into a book there, was no telling how long it would be before I came back up for a breath, because too many problems in my life were at the surface. Along with books, heroes were emerging in my favorite American past time, videogames. I was Master Chief, Malak, or Sora. Whoever I needed to be, I would become. If I had a bad day of English classes, I as Master Chief would run through 10 levels just kicking some alien ass. However, on the days where I was slightly happier, and perhaps more lovesick, I would become Sora on the never ending quest to save his best friend Kairi. When I needed to, I found a videogame that fit my mood, with a hero that was my psychologist for the day.

These heroes led me through a lot of crap in my life to brighter days, though most of the time I was using them to act as an escape. These heroes were there for me, to take on their qualities and to get through things in my life, to be a hero. So we come to the end of my senior year of high school where my life was good and I was healthy. But there was still a reason to escape, I was bored, and I was going to college in a few months, I needed a hero.

My favorite thing to do in the summer besides going to the movies was driving down to the library and sitting in the young adult’s area looking for new adventures. One afternoon, I grabbed a few Teen Titans graphic novels off one of the shelves and over the next few hours finished the first three volumes. I checked out the last three and spent the next few hours at home reading the books. After I had effectively gotten lost in the stories of the Teen Titans, I wanted to know more about the young heroes, so I looked up the comic book on Wikipedia.  After several days of reading Wikipedia articles about the superheroes, sidekicks, villains and team-ups of the DC universe, I finally climbed the stairs out of the bat cave that was my basement room, and went in search of the television series Smallville at the library. I was able to check out the first four seasons of Smallville, and I found a hero I could emulate in the young Clark Kent. Smallville wasn’t just a new perspective on the young life of Superman; it was another escape for me. The show portrayed Clark in high school, the time of discovery for a young man, trying to figure out hormones, love, friendship and purpose. Smallville portrayed what it would be like to be a superhero with extraordinary abilities in a society much like ours. Clark went through all the drama associated with high school, the drama of discovering all of his extraordinary abilities, and the added action and drama from his encounters with other people who, unlike him, used their powers for the benefit of the self. The struggles that Clark went through were truly no different from mine.

Through college, Smallville was the catalyst to more superhero investigations, often Wikipedia searches in the middle of classes on my tablet computer. My curiosity to learn more about the DC Universe grew like a hunger, and the more I read about the superheroes and their adventures, the more I wanted to know.  I started to focus on two heroes whose stories I related to the most. There was Barry Allen, the Flash, who was a forensic scientist who liked to take things slow but didn’t have enough time for the important things in his life, until he got his powers. The second was Hal Jordan, the Green Lantern, the man who was chosen to wield a power ring because he was capable of overcoming fear, but in the end lost himself to the fears he was unable to let go of. I found myself in these characters, always rushing from one thing to the next because I like to spend massive amounts of time on all activities. Also, I still can’t overcome my core fears, that I will never be healthy and that when I work hard for something it would have been for nothing.  

My personal connection to these heroes led to my current obsession with comic books. Since this last summer, I have read over 400 comic books and I have gathered over 124 GB of digital comic books, placing my new digital collection in the thousands. With all these comic books, I have found more heroes and have on a deeper level learned more about myself. Lately, I have been acting no different than when I was a kid. Even though I’m 22, I love to put on my flash t-shirt and run up and down the hall of my fraternity house acting like my favorite crimson speedster, much to the annoyance of my fraternity brothers. They have gotten use to my random spontaneity and shrug off my insanity as a simple cry for attention. But really, when I wear my flash shirt, I try to remember to be patient with things that need time, hasty with things that do not and ultimately to have fun.  I have many other comic book shirts each with its own personal meaning, and I always try to wear a shirt if I need a simple reminder.

Not unlike any other little boys, I loved superhero cartoons, and less unlike other little boys, I wanted to be a superhero. That was the goal when I was kid, to grow up and save the world, and in all honesty that goal hasn’t changed. The lessons that my childhood superheroes have taught me brought me to where I am now and made me the childish man that I am. I like this quote from Legend of the Five Rings, “we tell ourselves stories of superheroes, so that we remind ourselves that we too can be great.” Really, that’s why I’m passionate about heroes of all kinds, because not only do they remind us that we can be great but they remind us of something so much more important, that in life we all need help, and that any one of us can be a hero by helping others.