I'm just the boy inside the man, not exactly who you think I am. Right?

There has been this burden on my heart; to grow up. That the behaviors that I exhibit, and the associate antics need to just, stop. I’m wild, crazy, energetic, irritating, loud, obnoxious, and at the same time entirely self-conscious. I fear that when I’m like this no one really wants to be around me. I guess in a way I “deserve” the jokes from friends. “Man, Sometimes I wish I didn’t know You,” “I feel bad for your future wife,” and “you wonder why you’re single.” Let me be clear even to you my friends this stuff, though in good fun, hurts. It hurts me so deeply that I’ve been struggling through a really depressive identity crisis. Now, I egg on the jokes, and I definitely play along, but at times I just feel crushed, like I can’t be me.

I hear it from people all the time, “You know if you want that to happen you really need to grow up.” You’re arrogant, and childish, and obnoxious and rude and et al. My heart breaks at these comments, because they are lies, I’m only being me. I think you only see part of the story, part of the man that I truly am. I’m tired of people telling me who I am, because I’m not exactly who you think I am.

I jump, run, skip, dance, and sing in public. I embarrass myself and my friends. I bring myself to tears from laughter and have at times brought my friends to the floor in moments of hilarity. I go around, and in a hyper daze have made people who are frowning up a storm, smile and let the sun break in. I thrive in fun, in laughter, in awkward moments, and tend to leave you with those awkward laughs. I let my energy energize those around me. I try to bring out the fun. However, there is more. Underneath the goofy exterior, covered in Green Lantern T-shirts and belt buckles, is a Man seeking God. You want to see me calm, you want to see me grow up then let’s talk about what matters, let’s talk about Jesus.

I am serious about my relationship with God, and when you get me talking about God, or Jesus, or the Holy Spirit; you’ll see someone else; a much calmer serious me. I still joke, and have fun but I’m very much an adult. The things I have gone through, and the experiences I have had, require nothing short of maturity, and Christ, to heal from. Growing up sick and feeling isolated from the world, waking up the morning after trying to kill myself, walking in who I am after “coming to” in a hospital because of alcohol poisoning, watching a relationship I put so much time and effort into keeping afloat for two and half years crumble away because she fell in love with someone else. I’m being transformed, and healed daily because of my relationship with God, and that takes nothing short of submission and surrender.

I am still trying to discover the full extent of who I am, and to be honest it will take a lifetime but I know it is only through Jesus Christ I can truly derive my identity.

“It's in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for. Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone,” Ephesians 1:11-12 (MSG).

Through Learning about God in the bible, or through Frequency, Strength Finders, or The Me I Want to Be, I am finding out more about myself. I’m starting to see beyond the green shirts and bushy eyebrows. I’m starting to like what I see in the mirror, not because of how I look, but because I can see the change. I am far from who I was a year ago, and even farther from who I was when I started my relationship with God six years ago. Who I was is not, nor will it ever be, who I am, because of Jesus. My sins have been forgiven. My past has been redeemed. My life has been given a purpose. I am a son of God, and that is the only identity I need to carry on in this life.

So call me Nate, Nathan, Skinner, Skin-Bone, Brother, Son, Friend, but don’t assume you know me. Whether I am just a boy inside a man, or something so much more, he made me different from all of you for a reason, just as he made you different from everyone for a reason. I want you to look at me and truly see me, not who you think me to be, but the man that God is making me. I’m not perfect, nor will I ever be on this side of Heaven, but I want to be me. Not your version, not my version, but God’s version of me.

Give me a chance to introduce you to me. 

my life, His Story