To this point I was unsure
of why I would ever deserve the cold shoulder and be treated more as a student
rather than a leader, their age. It was eating away at me and frankly was
starting to really bring me into an anger I needed to rid myself of. I hated
being angry for no reason and more I hated being treated as
such without understanding why, so I approached this leader and
apologized.
I said I didn’t know what
I had done, but in some way I had offended them. I asked for forgiveness,
because I didn’t appreciate the way I was being treated. I didn’t truly
appreciate what felt like condemnation. The leader said a few things to me.
“Nate I just don’t quite get you.”
“At one moment you have
this ‘holy’ demeanor and the next you are so mean, and I just don’t know how to
feel about you.” And the leader walked away. There was more said but the
context is, that for any of you that know me, I am sarcastic, and over the top
sometimes. I also tend to get very intense, and will set standards for the
people around me that they almost never meet, which leads me to frustration,
short words, and an even stiffer more serious demeanor.
Not trying to justify my
behavior, sound defensive, or present myself higher than perceived I let the
leader walk away, and I stood there contemplating their words. “Am I faking God
in my life?” Do I pretend to have it all together and yet am so disrespectful
at the same time?
I don’t think I ever
pretend about God, and what he is doing in my life; frankly, it is hard for me
to talk about sometimes. I’m in constant fear of appearing arrogant, or like a
know-it-all when I talk about the victories I’ve had in Christ. I hate boasting
in victory, and in actuality when others do it, it rubs me the wrong way. With
God however, I guess at times without that being my intention or heart it can
be perceived as such. I take few things in life as seriously as I take my
relationship with Christ. I Love God. I try to shine for God, I try.
But as much as I shine,
there is this thing called sin. When I let sin creep in, sarcastic comments
roll from the tongue, and I fail to keep my anger in check. The shift from Christ-like
to Mean is so quick that to an outsider I guess it would appear as though I’m
just pretending. I hate that I am like this. I hate that sin in my life, that
my sin, whether in thought, word, or deed can pull me out of the presence of
God but more so that others see that. I say that not because I want to appear
holy all the time, but how does that show Christ?
I believe that for all
Christians we all appear Christ-like at times, and in other moments far from
it.
I know that from this
week, I am two very different people at times. There are moments, which seem
brief these days, where I feel free from sin and the chains of this world. I
feel free in Christ and I have this confidence I don’t usually feel. I’m full
of energy, hope, joy, and peace. Then there are those moments, which seem to be
so many, where the opposite is true. I feel bound to sin, and broken at the
hand of the world. I’m devastated, depressed, angry, anxious, and I feel
condemned, mainly from myself.
I guess the lesson for me
here is that even in my growth, even in the good times, even in the seasons of
good things, because of my flesh I’m still at risk of sin, but I do not need to
live in such.
However,
“there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has
set you free from the law of sin and death. For what the
law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh, God did by
sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering. And
so he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of
the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but
according to the Spirit.” (Romans 8:1-4)
When the rain comes and I
feel like everything around me is wet, sloppy and gross. However, Christ died
for my freedom, and when I bring my eyes to Christ I see that the waters have
cleansed, nourished, and refreshed. I think that it’s in the storms that we
truly are washed from our sins. At least for me I see this being true, because
it is in the rain storm, the pouring, that I look up to heaven and repent. It
is in the storms where I focus more on God, and it is in those moments where
I’m washed clean.
I don’t ever wish to have
a holier than thou personality or attitude. I don’t want to assume the worst of
people, and I don’t want to remain stuck in a phase where this is all I do. I
want to live in the freedom Christ died for, and I want to walk in step with
the Spirit.
"It is for freedom that Christ has set
us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again
by a yoke of slavery". – Galatians 5:1
"So I say, walk by
the Spirit, and you
will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the flesh desires what is contrary to the
Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you
are not to do whatever you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law." – Galatians 5:16-18
I’m not perfect. I never will be on this side of heaven. I do know that if I continue to pursue God all I need will be given unto me. I know that I will find freedom in relationship with Christ, and I know that I will continue to grow.
As I grow my anger will be tempered, my sarcasm diminished, my thoughts cleaned and purified. I know that as I pursue Christ I will be made new, every day. If anything I have Jesus, and am so thankful for Him. For in Him and through Relationship with Him I find the freedom that I feel and possess right now.
The hardest thing this week has been accepting God's love and grace. I know that I can never work for it, nor earn it, but accepting it has been hard. Today, I open my arms to the Heavenly Father, and say "I love you God. I love you Father! Thank You for Your love. Thank You for Your grace. Thank You!"
I choose to live in freedom today!
my life, His Story
It's in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for. Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone. - Ephesians 1:11-12 MSG
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