I'm not Mad

If anything, I just need prayer. A lot has been going on and I needed to let off some steam. below is what I needed to get off my chest. To come to terms with and to find peace in. It may be hard to follow as it is stream of consciousness but this is the real me. 

Dear God,

I’m hurting a lot right now. I know you have so much for me, even though I deserve none of it, and yet I find myself growing bitter and angry at you. I feel that I am seeking you with my full heart only to feel disappointment when things go against what I thought was your plan. I understand that this falls on me, for not seeking your wisdom nor for allowing you to guide me but I’m still mad, because now as I sit here waiting for you to guide me into my dream, I see it being taken a hold of by someone else. I see you handing over the keys of what I want to someone else. You remind me that you love me, and that it’s not the best thing for me, and yet I’m mad.

I am so bitter, I’m taking it out on my sisters in Christ and throwing my emotions around. I’m up and down, and ultimately I’m lost. I’m losing sight of you. This disease, this bitterness, has grown. It is taking hold of my heart and I just want it gone. I want what you have for me. I don’t like the waiting but I understand there is a reason, and yet, I’m mad. My friends quote scripture, and you pour out wisdom but all I want to do is scream. Is tell you that I’m sick of this. I’m sick of this waiting. I’m sick of having my heart thrown around. I’m sick of feeling like I’m listening to a lie. I’m tired of thinking that you are just my imagination at work. I’m sick of being sick. I know all the right words right now and yet they mean nothing.

How can I find joy in this season? How am I to find peace when my heart roars for something more?How can I walk by faith, when you have given me nothing? How can I have thought any of this? How do I fight this pain, that I have placed upon myself?

God I am mad. I’m mad at you. I know I shouldn’t be. I don’t want to be. I just hurt. I know that I have been attacked. That as I have sought you out the enemy has sought me out. I see how he is trying to pull me away from my perfect, heavenly father. I see that I have been blaming you. I don’t want that anymore. I want you.

I want to have hope and peace, I want my dreams fulfilled. I want love and guidance. All I need is you. I know there is a reason for this waiting. There is a reason for all the pain I have suffered through. I know you wish to show the world how you have healed me. That the scars that I carry, are testimonies of the healing you have done in my life; that the wounds have been healed. God I know pieces of what you have for me, but more than that I know what you have for me is good. I just have to trust you.

I don’t want to be mad. I don’t want to be angry. I want to come to you, and speak with a whole heart to you. I want to let you know How much I love you for how far I have come, and where you are taking me. I want to let you know that I am sorry. Please forgive me for believing that you could be anything less that who you are. God I love you. I need your strength to get through this and more than that God I need you. You are the one and only thing that matters. You are here with me in this moment, as much as I want to know everything else you have for me, and that’s all I need to know.

I’m not mad anymore. I’m at peace and have joy. I guess I needed to do was write you this incoherent letter. So that you could remind me of whom you are and who I am.

Father God, please forgive me. I pray that you are the only voice inside of my head. That in the name of your son Jesus Christ, the lies, doubts, and fears, would be expelled from my mind under the power of the Holy Spirit. Spirit I thank you for being the counselor in this moment; delivering love and peace directly into my heart, and for speaking to God on my behalf. Jesus I apologize for not recognizing that your sacrifice, that your death and resurrection is all I need to to remember how much you love me. God I’m sorry for thinking that you are anything less that a perfect sovereign God. God I love you. I pray all these things in the name of your son Jesus Christ, Amen.

Love,

Nate

“We walk by faith, not by sight” –  2 Corinthians 5:7

“Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial for those who withstand the test will receive the crown of life that god has promised to those that love him.” – James 1:12

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"And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." – Ephesians 4:30-32

“There's a moment in the morning 
When I feel the most alone 
But then I hear your voice whispering my name 
It's like a wave of understanding 
And I never could have planned it 
Where the questions and doubts all fade away”

     - Thousand Foot Krutch, "All I Need to Know"

"Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, 'children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.' Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life. And then I will be able to boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor in vain." - Philippians 2:14-16

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” – Romans 8:28

“But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me.” – Micah 7:7

“I feel a million miles away, still you connect me in your way
And you created me, something I would’ve never seen
When I can only see the floor, you made my window a door
So when they say they don’t believe, I hope that they see you and me
After all the lights go down, I’m just the words you are the sound
A strange type of chemistry, how you’ve become a part of me
And when I sit alone at night, your thoughts burn through me like a fire
You’re the only one who knows, who I really am
    - Thousand Foot Krutch, "Be Somebody"