“There is no fear in Love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” – 1 John 4:18 NIV
I love watching kids run up and down the playground. There is so much joy on their face when they are battling the evil pirates from the moon, who are there to steal their superpowers. There is so much innocence and adventure. There is fun, running, playing and battling outside in the open air where the only thing stopping them was a fence. Growing up the only thing stopping me was the door. It would open for everyone else but there was an invisible barrier keeping me inside.
Shortly after I turned 1, two major things in my little innocent life occur. There first was my Mom started a Day Care out of our home. The Day Care I would grow up in, essentially watching as I described above. The reasoning comes with the second major event. Before I started crawling I began to cough a lot. All the time, I’d be coughing my little lungs out which led to crying. The crying led to more coughing the cycle continued. It turned out there was something severely wrong with me. I couldn’t breathe. The diagnosis that hit my mother’s ears caused a grip to cover me; I was asthmatic.
The doctors said it was severe and that life for me would be hard. As I got older I didn’t get much bigger. I was a chubby 2 year-old but the baby fat faded and the bones could be seen. Each rib, each vein, and each muscle twitch was easily seen on my small frame. I was diagnosed with sinusitis, sinus issues, and stomach reflux. By the time I was four I was taking ten to fifteen medications a day, I had already had several surgeries, and I was constantly sick.
The doctors told my parents I would never be like the other kids. They said that I couldn’t be normal, that I couldn’t be healed, that I would never be as tall I should be and that I would never be much of anything really. This fear gripped at my parents and their fear became a cage, a cage from the outdoors, a cage from running and jumping in the McDonald’s playhouse, and a cage from people. I thought, and was told, that I was different and that I would never be like the rest of the kids. It made me angry.
When I would get sick and the cage got smaller keeping me close to mom, I would fight. Tantrums, the beet red face, and of course breathing problems would follow.
Saving my tantrums for another time it’s important to note one thing, growing up sick caused one thing. It meant that I was always in need of doctors’ visits, medications, hospitalizations and the daily needs of a child. It wasn’t cheap raising me. It was hard for my parents to afford all these things and clothe me properly, and make sure I got enough food. The financial stress of raising a sick child hit my parents hard. Arguments would ensue, vast amounts of yelling and screaming about “maybe if we weren’t always at the doctor’s office,” “maybe if he can just be healthy.” Essentially when I overheard them fighting it caused one thing in my heart, fear. I was afraid I was a burden to them.
This is the root of all of my fears and sins is in the phrase, “I just a burden.” This is why I always required verification, words of affection, obvious acclamation. Its why I hate taking gifts from people. Its why i am so afraid of being myself, and why I am constantly apologizing for innocent actions. I am still dealing with this fear. It is a daily prayer to remove the fear of being a burden. It is a daily want to be able to talk with people without any attached condemnation when they respond negatively or respond slowly, or simply don’t reciprocate messages.
Really when I was diagnosed with severe asthma, who knew it would have an even greater symptom; the fear of being a severe burden. This fear has been a barrier in my personal life and in my walk with God. What better way to prevent someone from following the Heavenly Father than to exploit the fear that you are a burden to God. Here’s the truth though. I am not a burden; not to God, not to my family, and not to my friends.
I went on a retreat for 20-somethings called Collide, 4 weeks ago. On this retreat the only answer I was seeking was, “Who am I God? Why do I feel like a burden when I shouldn’t? Why do I constantly feel I’m not enough for anyone? This isn’t of you God. So tell me, who am I?” God answered me by asking me what my name was.
I told Him “My name is Nathan.”
He then asked, “And what does that mean son.”
“Father my name means ‘gift’.”
At that moment a hand hit my back. It was the associate youth pastor and one of the leaders of the 20-somethings group. Through him God told me who I was; God told me he was proud of me, and that he found so much joy in seeing me chase after him. He said I was a gift and that he saw me “perfect”. God reaffirmed the passion of youth ministry.
I don’t think I had ever had tears of joy until that moment, when I discovered God’s plan from the beginning. As I stated in Birth, my name is Nathan for a reason. God named me. With that name came an obvious strength, the service to others, the need to lead, the need to communicate, the need to help. However, the enemy exploited this from the beginning by making me feel like the opposite, a burden.
That sick baby, who was so innocent when he got sick and began suffering, has become the man sitting here typing this blog. The man who now understands that God’s timing is perfect and that his will is perfect. God collided with me on that retreat and showed me something beautiful, me. He showed me who I was and gave me back my confidence, stripping away the roots of this fear. That night was October 8th 2011.
I still struggle with this insecurity, but I give it to God every day. It still affects my relationships with those I care about but I pray. It is currently having a huge impact on my ability to meet new people, especially women but I’m working with God through it all. I will always need validation from God, and my parents and the woman that becomes my wife. “Words of affirmation” is my main love language, and just a short sentence can motivate me for anything.
I grew out of the severity of my illness, and I will grow out of this fear. It is no longer severe, nor mild; it is an ache that will fade as I let the Holy Spirit continue to heal my heart. Every time I let go of this fear, God has made me new. He has made me pure, and I know that for Him, my family and my future wife he has made me “Nathan”, a “gift”.
My Life, His Story.
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